Wednesday, September 15, 2004

prepwork

I am sick, shaky and at home today. Work will not miss me and I certainly will not miss the stress and anxiety related to it lately. I woke up weak and still exhausted this morning. Forced myself out of bed and to the bathroom. Then came back and collapsed next to my curled up cats and decided to call in and resign myself to being ill. I have not been able to sleep again since then, which has made me anxious, fidgety. I want to be out walking around, but I am barely making it from the kitchen to my desk without feeling like collapsing. A walk is out of the question.

I am preparing myself for some songwriting. Something I have never been particularly good at. However, I must prepare myself somewhat for my friend Duncan's visit later tonight. Duncan is a talented musician and a good friend. The latter is more the reason I asked him if he would be interested in playing with me for this half-assed project I've cooked up. I needed someone I know, someone who knows my voice already and my flaws, my fears. Duncan may not completely understand me, but he comes closer than anyone else I know who might be interested in something like this. I needed someone I could be completely comfortable with. I could screw up in front of Duncan and we would just laugh it off and continue.

It is a delicate process at this point, because I do not have the confidence I did the last time I played with anyone. That was a decade ago and I was a very different person. I seem to have traded my then fears for the ones I have now. I used to be afraid to let my true voice out, to play the music I really wanted to play. Now I am not afraid to do the things I really want, but I am afraid to fail. It is something you really need to get over, in order to succeed. Fear of failure can make the most talented people in the world stumble over nothing. I can't afford to let that happen.

Whatever I come up with will doubtlessly end up posted to the Bad Poetry Good Times blog, for your torture or amusement (depending largely on your sense of humor). Enjoy.

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