Monday, August 30, 2004

the universe is having its way with me again, the bastard

There are things i should be and then the things that i am. I should be happy that I heard from my ex today, whom I missed dearly. That he's going to try to be at my place on Friday for a small party with a bottle of tequila and a pack of cigarettes. That he still cares very much for me, even though neither of us want it to go any further than that. That I got to sleep in my own bed again last night (my new bed, which is far more comfortable than either of the hotel beds I've been sleeping in). That my cats did not destroy anything in the apartment while I was gone and Ricochet latched onto my shoulder and hugged me tightly in a most uncatlike way when I got home. That my plant, Tallulah, did not wither or die, despite not being watered for a full week.

That my two closest friends came into my apartment and rearranged everything so that I would not associate my own home with the last person who stayed there, that person who hurt me. I came home to find a message in the hallway from them, "We missed Jew. Fuck off." It took me a while to figure out all the things they did. The furniture in the living room was all facing the wrong way. Paintings were hung upside down or in the wrong place. My Frida Kahlo doll was turned on the mantle, with her face in a corner. A picture frame my friend Sarah made me was turned over, though all the other photo frames were the same. All the food on the bottom shelf of one cupboard had been switched with all the dishes in the cupboard next to it. My jewelry box was upside down. And all the clothes in my closet were facing the wrong way.

And then there is the music. My brother and sister-in-law bought some for me, which I could not have afforded (along with a new pair of headphones). So now I have new music to love and to accompany me on my walks around this town in my new daze because the way I look at things has changed again and the world is getting so clear it shines in a way I never knew it could before.

There are bad parts and good parts to these changes. I feel frustrated when I am reminded of him because there were too many promises, too many inward lies, too many expectations and no follow through whatsoever on either side. But then I grow more and more numb from all the pain I put myself through and this has made me less afraid of my life in general. All the regard I once gave to my own insecurities has faded from me now. It is not merely confidence, it is simply not giving a damn in the way I once did. Part of me has resolved that it does not matter how much I care anyway, because it is never good enough for the people I want it to be good enough for. I am so much happier when I am interested most in the things that make me happy. This could sound horribly selfish, except that part of what makes me happy is bringing a simple smile to someone else's face, whether it is the face of a stranger or a friend. I have been walking around, listening to music, ignoring people for the most part. When I do stop to talk to someone, they all seem so nice and they seem to go out of their way for me, as well. These people have, in passing, made my face glow with a smile I had forgotten that I owned.

It is so easy to let the newest person in and let them hurt you. You get hurt again and then you have to figure out what it takes to get over it. Sometimes you just need to let it fade. I once thought that I would only be pretending that it never happened and the world would be righted again under false pretenses. I thought to myself that it would not really be right again because I would never forget. Because I never forget anything. That I would not forget the things he said or did His likes or dislikes. The chances I gave him. The burn I felt even though I knew we could never make sense of each other. That I tried to regain his friendship and then wanted nothing more than to be rid of him altogether. That it hurt to know that he was over it almost instantly and I was still walking around feeling wounded and confused.

The truth is, it has faded. My memory is entirely intact, but the feeling of it all has faded. I have processed it into something considerably easier to swallow. Simply knowing the nature of these things allows me to smile now and laugh at it later. I will not forget that we both told pretty lies that we each only thought we could get ourselves to believe. I will not forget how much we disappointed each other and how I promised to forgive everything, then did not. I will not forget that I wanted to hate him but could not bring myself to think on it that much because there was so little there.

There is one more issue to resolve between us. A matter of money, only. Once that business is concluded, we will never have to see or hear from each other again. Regardless of what he wants, I have never wanted to end something so completely before. Never so much. I do not feel guilt over this. Only the overwhelming need to finalize the details so that we both can do our best to put this behind us. To put each other in the recesses of our minds and make room for the better things soon to come.